Stay hungry, stay humble.

I find it easy to stay humble, but the staying hungry part is hard for me. I wish I had the drive that I used to have, but right now, I just don't. This is pretty much a work thing...I just don't feel that push to get better. I wish I did, but I just don't feel inspired by my leader. Weird, huh? Anyways, I took some pics the other day. This one of Corey I like because of the colors...



and this one of Mica is nice just because it is...



I think I am gonna make the trip to Austin, TX after the new year. Somehow. I need to see my nephew. He needs to meet his uncle Stephen.

KIDS...

Garrett!



Anna looking the part...

I clean forgot how to play.

Hey there. I find myself at a crossroads in my life once again...for a man of only 32, I sure have found myself in some messy stuff. Some of it I created, some of it dropped out of the sky and hit me. Either way, I have tried to handle everything with minimal help from others. For some reason I shoulder the load myself and always have. I am not trying to martyr myself at all...it just works out this way.

Right now, I am sitting at my desk while watching my son play with a Matchbox car. My daughter is in the living room watching either Hannah Montana or The Suite Life of Zack and Cody. Dinner was some Hamburger Helper (shocking, I know) and everyone seems pretty happy with things. Even my dog is happy. I'll get there, I guess. The holidays are coming and that usually gets me going.

Pics...

Just me looking at you...


Garrett is a ham. He loves the damn camera...


Anna chills like no other 6 year old I have ever met...

Deerdong Express

Life has been weird and hard and odd. Things that should be easy aren't. I wake up every morning cold and alone. The floor is hard and it's chill is unforgiving. My feet hit it and beg me to get to the shower. My coffee gets made and drank and I just sort of stare blankly at things until it is time to depart. Work, rinse and repeat.

But, I press on. And I take pictures of things that are uncomplicated and happy.

My son in a tub with bubbles...


My daughter on Halloween as a pirate...


My sister's new additions, Gracie and Ella...


Today I rode bikes with Corey. Taking BMX pics makes me feel alright...



Corey took a pic of me doing a wallride. I have been so scared of this wall, but I got it done...


And I just like this one for some reason. The light, I guess...

Anthem for the summer that was lost

I rode my bike for the first time in a little bit last night. Right off the bat I took a stem to my knee and it hurt something fierce. Something hurt more than that, though...something that I have known was coming but was sort of hoping would not bother me if I just ignored it. My age is starting to get to me. I can feel it when I ride...my reaction time feels off...a step slow. Maybe it is all the weight that I lost that also robbed me of my strength, but I can't help but think that at age 32, I am just deteriorating. I am becoming less and less with every day that passes.

So much has gone wonky for me of late. My boyfriend ability has gone out the window as things in my past have surfaced and decided to cause strife within me. This coupled with my child situation have put stresses on me that I am sort of struggling to keep a handle on, presently. I know I just need to relax and set this stuff down, but that is easier said than done, I think. So much is on me...bill collectors calling...that damn ring...Christmas approaching...messy house...I don't have the energy or the will to take care of this stuff right now. I feel very much like I am in the middle of a big sea with no boat or land in sight. I am not looking for someone to save me, though. I want to just see something that I can swim towards.

I need to stop this shit where I fill my life with stuff in an attempt to make myself happy. Things are owning me.

Dream punching.

I feel sluggish right now. You know how when you have a dream about being in a fight and no matter how hard you try, it feels like you are throwing punches under water? That is me today. I feel sort of depressed. The Tuesday meeting we had at work sort of got the ball rolling for me. I worry about my job security as a result. Not because I do a bad job, but because the assholes in the midwest region do more than we do with less people and it makes the east region look bad. It is a shitty feeling. I am worrying about everything right now. I miss my son. He was so happy when I dropped him off yesterday...it hurts me to not be with him. He had an ear infection for so long and it made him miserable and miserable to be around, but now he is better and so close to doing some really awesome things...and I know that I am going to miss some of those things. Divorce and the like really suck ass when there are kids involved. It makes you bitter about life. When the custody is split like this you get time "off" from the kids, which is cool, but it also creates this guilt (at least for me) that you are "enjoying" the time without your kids. I have no idea how to handle myself at this point in my life. When I was 25 I thought I had it all figured out. Then it got taken apart. When I was 30 I thought I had it all together, then it got taken apart. Now I am 32 and I have no idea what the fuck I am doing. Everything is a little disjointed right now. I need to figure this out.

My fantasy team sucks.

Badly. I don't even care at this point. Sports are dead to me right now because the Yankees choked on a dick and the Jets couldn't beat Tina Turner if they changed their name to the New York Ikes. Fuck it. My coffee pot shit the bed this morning. Mica noticed that it was "doing something bad" and the carafe (or whatever it is called) busted open at the bottom and coffee was all over my counter. So, off to the store to buy a new coffee maker with money that I do not really have. Sweet as. I got the cheap "Mr. Coffee" no frills model and it works fine. Good. My son is attempting to nap right now and I cleaned part of my daughter's room with a trash bag. Today has been lame. I want to ride. I can't. But, thanks to Mica, I am getting a new frame. She has an interesting thought on money..."it's just money". I have to pay her back, though, because that is how I roll. So, if you know anyone that wants a brown Fly Pantera, let me know. I'll let her go nice and cheap.

I think I have to go to Asheville this week for work. Here's to hoping that I don't fall asleep in the mountains.

Also, the further I slip into poverty, the better the off brands taste. The market has spoken, and Archer Farms salsa tastes great!

Wishes for fishes.

So, Al Gore won the Nobel Prize. I was excited by this because I thought that surely, this would be the nudge that got him into the presidential race. I would vote for and support him with much fervor. I think he would make an amazing president...not that the bar is all that high right now. But, it appears that he is not going to run because, as he says, Hilary Clinton's "political machine is unstoppable". I mean, I will likely vote for Hilary, if for no other reason because that would probably mean that Bill would have some input into things, but if Al is a choice, I would totally go with him.

Damn. This guy would be awesome.


Also, Albes has my frame on sale and I want it badly. Hmmmm...