Anthem for the summer that was lost

I rode my bike for the first time in a little bit last night. Right off the bat I took a stem to my knee and it hurt something fierce. Something hurt more than that, though...something that I have known was coming but was sort of hoping would not bother me if I just ignored it. My age is starting to get to me. I can feel it when I ride...my reaction time feels off...a step slow. Maybe it is all the weight that I lost that also robbed me of my strength, but I can't help but think that at age 32, I am just deteriorating. I am becoming less and less with every day that passes.

So much has gone wonky for me of late. My boyfriend ability has gone out the window as things in my past have surfaced and decided to cause strife within me. This coupled with my child situation have put stresses on me that I am sort of struggling to keep a handle on, presently. I know I just need to relax and set this stuff down, but that is easier said than done, I think. So much is on me...bill collectors calling...that damn ring...Christmas approaching...messy house...I don't have the energy or the will to take care of this stuff right now. I feel very much like I am in the middle of a big sea with no boat or land in sight. I am not looking for someone to save me, though. I want to just see something that I can swim towards.

I need to stop this shit where I fill my life with stuff in an attempt to make myself happy. Things are owning me.

Dream punching.

I feel sluggish right now. You know how when you have a dream about being in a fight and no matter how hard you try, it feels like you are throwing punches under water? That is me today. I feel sort of depressed. The Tuesday meeting we had at work sort of got the ball rolling for me. I worry about my job security as a result. Not because I do a bad job, but because the assholes in the midwest region do more than we do with less people and it makes the east region look bad. It is a shitty feeling. I am worrying about everything right now. I miss my son. He was so happy when I dropped him off yesterday...it hurts me to not be with him. He had an ear infection for so long and it made him miserable and miserable to be around, but now he is better and so close to doing some really awesome things...and I know that I am going to miss some of those things. Divorce and the like really suck ass when there are kids involved. It makes you bitter about life. When the custody is split like this you get time "off" from the kids, which is cool, but it also creates this guilt (at least for me) that you are "enjoying" the time without your kids. I have no idea how to handle myself at this point in my life. When I was 25 I thought I had it all figured out. Then it got taken apart. When I was 30 I thought I had it all together, then it got taken apart. Now I am 32 and I have no idea what the fuck I am doing. Everything is a little disjointed right now. I need to figure this out.

My fantasy team sucks.

Badly. I don't even care at this point. Sports are dead to me right now because the Yankees choked on a dick and the Jets couldn't beat Tina Turner if they changed their name to the New York Ikes. Fuck it. My coffee pot shit the bed this morning. Mica noticed that it was "doing something bad" and the carafe (or whatever it is called) busted open at the bottom and coffee was all over my counter. So, off to the store to buy a new coffee maker with money that I do not really have. Sweet as. I got the cheap "Mr. Coffee" no frills model and it works fine. Good. My son is attempting to nap right now and I cleaned part of my daughter's room with a trash bag. Today has been lame. I want to ride. I can't. But, thanks to Mica, I am getting a new frame. She has an interesting thought on money..."it's just money". I have to pay her back, though, because that is how I roll. So, if you know anyone that wants a brown Fly Pantera, let me know. I'll let her go nice and cheap.

I think I have to go to Asheville this week for work. Here's to hoping that I don't fall asleep in the mountains.

Also, the further I slip into poverty, the better the off brands taste. The market has spoken, and Archer Farms salsa tastes great!

Wishes for fishes.

So, Al Gore won the Nobel Prize. I was excited by this because I thought that surely, this would be the nudge that got him into the presidential race. I would vote for and support him with much fervor. I think he would make an amazing president...not that the bar is all that high right now. But, it appears that he is not going to run because, as he says, Hilary Clinton's "political machine is unstoppable". I mean, I will likely vote for Hilary, if for no other reason because that would probably mean that Bill would have some input into things, but if Al is a choice, I would totally go with him.

Damn. This guy would be awesome.


Also, Albes has my frame on sale and I want it badly. Hmmmm...

R U into it?

Slow slow slow slow. Today is the epitome of a slow day in the life of a cube monkey such as myself. The iPod is rocking Mogwai and making me kinda sleepy, the coffee I drank is wearing off, my attempts at contacting my girlfriend to chat have proven to be fruitless and the trouble tickets that I have are not able to be worked right now. Hurry up and wait wait wait...but I have my camera today. So I walked around a little.



This bench has held my ass up on many a day while I spoke to various people about the tempest that is my life.



The door I walk through every morning. The symbolism here is stark. The translucent reflection of myself in the glass shows me that it isn't really me in there...just a sort of fuzzy copy...



How bad do I want to go home?



My iPod sock. Held shut with a clip that I found on my desk. I used to know how to sew...

A journey not a destination.

I had an "I get it" moment today. It happened while I was pushing a cart at work that carried a monitor and keyboard for a new coach out on the floor. For whatever reason I understood everything for about 5 minutes. I saw how and why I was capable of doing whatever I wanted to do. I felt like I was ready to step forward and snatch my life out of the jaws of mediocrity...and I still feel that I can. I have a plan. I think I can make it work.

Today is the other Monday. That means a couple of things to me...it means that it is the last day that I wake up next to Mica for a while, but it also means that I get to pick my children up after work. This is my week with them. This is my time with them, my opportunity to make my impression on their lives and I hope that it is a positive one.

We can't stop here! This is baby country!

Well, I survived my bout with what I thought was flu but was really strep throat. Antibiotics are awesome. Antibiotic shots in the hiney are awesomer but sort of painful. So, this morning my brotha-in-law calls to tell me that I am an uncle...again. My big sis Amy had her baby this past weekend (massive shouts out to my nephew Cooper!) and I knew that it was a matter of time before my other sister would produce her offerings. Well, they are here and they are sweet as! I stopped by tonight and snapped some pics while they were staying toasty in the NICU. Check them out! And congrats to my sister and her husband...you guys are gonna be fine.

Jaime waiting to be pushed to the NICU...


And now...Gracie!




Please take time to meet Ella!

Flu.

I've been sick pretty solid since Friday. Fever and body ache...I guess this means that I have the flu. THE FLU. Friday I took my kids where they needed to be then wound up at Mica's where she lay next to me did her best to keep me comfortable while I got all sweaty in her bed. Saturday I felt a little better, but then the sickness got me later that night. Sunday was an all time low for me. Fever of 102.5 and I was talking gibberish. Mica actually came over to help me through the night, and I needed it. My son decided to put in a tough night at about 3 in the morning and Mica totally got up with him and held him until he fell back asleep. I was very appreciative. She's a great girl. All kinds of great. Hopefully I can return the favor. But for now...I just want to feel better. Right now my left eye feels like it has a rock stuck in it. The rest of me is less achey, so maybe I am coming out of it. I hope so. This shit is hosed.